comity
noun

- polite or friendly behaviour that shows respect, especially in public life

- the informal and voluntary recognition by courts of one jurisdiction of the laws and judicial decisions of another

Cambridge Dictionary, Merriam-Webster

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WORD ORIGIN

The word "comity" has a straightforward but dignified Latin heritage from comitas (courtesy, kindness, affability), and comis (courteous, kind, affable, friendly), and comes (companion) - from the idea that companions should treat each other courteously.

The first English use was mid-16th century (around 1540s) and meant courtesy, civility, especially in formal or diplomatic contexts, then gradually specializing towards international relations and legal contexts.

The term became particularly important in legal and diplomatic language, especially in the phrase "comity of nations" - the principle that nations should recognize and respect each other's laws and judicial decisions out of courtesy and mutual respect, not legal obligation.

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COURTESY COUNTS
The Quiet Power of Comity

We often talk about leadership, strategy, and results—but forget the quiet force that makes them all possible: basic courtesy.

In an increasingly divided world, we've forgotten about comity—the art of disagreeing without being disagreeable. This isn't about avoiding conflict or pretending everyone's right. It's about maintaining respect even when we think someone else is completely wrong. Comity allows people to listen genuinely, acknowledge valid points from opponents, and focus on solving problems rather than winning arguments. When it's present, even heated debates can lead somewhere productive. When it's absent, even small disagreements spiral into personal attacks that solve nothing.

This principle shows up across cultures, though not always by name. The Japanese pursue wa (harmony in relationships), while Germans emphasize Höflichkeit (respectful courtesy).

What makes comity particularly powerful is that it's not just about being nice—it's also about being effective. Numerous brain imaging studies reveal that when people feel respected during disagreements, their prefrontal cortex stays engaged for logical thinking. But when they feel attacked, the amygdala takes over and rational discussion becomes neurologically impossible. Comity isn't just courtesy—it's the best way to keep brains capable of actual reasoning. 

Helga & Paul Smith

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SYNONYMS

accord, affability, agreement, amity, atmosphere of goodwill, balance of respect, basic decency, bridge-building, camaraderie, civil discourse, civility, collegiality, COMITY, common courtesy (ground, respect, understanding), community spirit, compassion, compromise, conciliation, concord, concordance, cooperation, cordiality, courteous behaviour (climate, conduct, exchange), courteousness, courtesy, cross-cultural respect, decency, decorum, diplomatic tone, esprit de corps, etiquette, extending an olive branch, fellowship, forbearance, friendliness, general accord, gentility, gentleman’s agreement, give and take, good faith (form, manners, neighborliness), goodwill, grace, grace under pressure, graciousness, group harmony, hand of friendship, harmony of minds, honourable conduct, human decency, keeping the peace, law of give and take (of mutual respect), mannerliness, meeting halfway, meeting minds, mutual acceptance (accommodation, consideration, courtesy, deference, goodwill, regard, respect, understanding), neighborliness, polite restraint, politeness, professional courtesy, propriety, quiet respect, rapport, reciprocity, regard for others, respect, respectful exchange (tone), respectfulness, sense of fairness, shared civility (decorum, respect), social grace (harmony), spirit of agreement (of compromise, of cooperation, of respect), table manners, tact, tactfulness, the art of getting along, thoughtfulness, tolerance, tone of respect, understanding, unity in diversity

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SMUGGLE OWAD into an English conversation today, say something like:

“Cross-functional COMITY is essential to avoid turf wars in organizations.”

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P L E A S E   S U P P O R T   O W A D

On evenings and weekends, I research and write your daily OWAD newsletter together with Helga—my lovely wife and coaching partner, and our eagle-eyed daughter, Jennifer.

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Paul, Helga, & Jenny Smith

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